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Day: June 19, 2015

How About Age and Dating?

How About Age and Dating?

Before I go into this, let me just say that my wife is almost 30months older than I am. In fact, I’ve never dated a younger woman. People say I’m an old soul living in a younger body. I am inclined to believing this because my preference for women is usually older so one would think that, to me, age is just a number. Someone else would argue that if age was just a number, why did I never date younger women? Certainly if I had a preference for older women, that means age matters to me. This person would be half right. Age doesn’t matter to me but the qualities that matter to me are almost invariably found in women that are older. The same I would say goes for women. The women I dated never imagined they would date a younger person, some never even imagined they would date someone their own age.

So yes, age is just a number. We have evolved to associate age with qualities that we find desirable. Dates of birth aren’t stamped on people’s heads. If you have no idea how old someone is, it would have no bearing on how you assess the person. You would rate the person on the things that really matter. The natural order is for the man to be older so that he can learn more about life and the world in general to protect and cater for the woman. But this learning, otherwise called maturity, isn’t a linear process. You could be more mature than someone far older than you. Same goes for any other quality that you can think of. If all that is so, why does age matter so much?

The truth is it doesn’t. Societal memes make it so that an older woman (called a cougar) and a far older man (called a sugar daddy) outcasts because they do not conform to the accepted norm. They do not account for the possibility that these couples may be exactly what they want for each other. It simply doesn’t make sense to society and thus they have to be brandished names that show their distaste.

But the correct stance is, as long as the couple are both adults, it is not anyone’s business if they choose each other.

Effective Communication

Effective Communication

I don’t have the statistics handy but I’d bet that about 90% of what couples do when they’re together is talk. On second thought, make that 95%. Two people who speak different languages obviously cannot converse even if they were champion talkative people. Communication is extremely important in a relationship; this is like the first law of couple dynamics. If you don’t communicate, things are pretty likely to go south very fast. Communication isn’t just about talking though; it’s about listening and not just listening to respond but listening to understand. Every woman appreciates a man who can express his feelings. It’s an age defying fact that women love to hear the right things and many men think it’s some kind of weakness to be emotionally expressive; they think it’s sappy. Sappy certainly isn’t a good thing to be because that signifies an excess. And too much of most things are bad for you. But a healthy level of expressiveness and validation from the one you love goes a long way in strengthening a relationship to make it stand the test of time.

Even healthy arguments are a form of communication. As long as you know not to cross certain lines to prove a point and you always have it at the back of your mind that disagreement is not a measure of your feelings toward each other. It is not healthy when a couple is too similar and they agree on every single thing. That’s a recipe for extreme boredom. With best friends, that might be ideal but with a couple, it’s not. You want to get the feeling that while you know your partner, there’s still a bit more to find out about each other. That keeps things fresh and exciting.

Proper communication involves talking about things that bother you externally and things that bother you within the relationship. Does he snore when he sleeps? Talk about it instead of lashing out by simply going to sleep in another room. Does she chew gum like a tramp? Find a way to tell her instead of postponing your dinner date for the fifth time. It goes without saying that expressing a grievance should be with mutual respect, understanding and love rather than a “Yo mama” showdown. Pass your message across clearly without being a nasty about it.

So talk, talk, talk and talk right. As long as you love each other, it never goes wrong.

Online Dating? What The Heck?

Online Dating? What The Heck?

It is a funny thing that I have been in about four relationships before I met the woman I married. But, asides my wife, I met all the other women first on the internet and one of them I never even met in real life. So coming from someone who obviously knows what he’s talking about when it comes to online dating, I can tell you that it can be as rich as dating in real life. The great thing about online stuff is that it’s way more structured and controllable than real life so the arbitrary rules are also easier to follow. You’re a single person looking to mingle online; what are the things to expect and to prepare for? There are a few dos and don’ts (mostly don’ts) to consider when you want to plunge into the world of online dating.

You can meet the right person without even knowing it. The online world is a vast place. In many ways, it is bigger than the real world because one thousand people could be in a chat room for example. Try that in real life without passing out from lack of oxygen. You can come across interesting people anywhere. In the most innocuous of places, a conversation can start. A conversation is to relationships what a spark is to wildfires. It’s spontaneous so for this reason, try to be yourself on the internet even though there is a great temptation to want to be someone else. There’s always the right person out there for you. You don’t want to find yourself trying to explain why you look so different from your profile picture.

When you find someone you like, take things slow. Do not be too eager. The internet is rife with really crazy people. Besides you don’t want to come off as desperate. It makes sense not to reply messages as though you live on the internet. Even when you receive a message, take your time to reply. When you become more comfortable with a specific person, you can start replying quicker.

Never reveal too much personal information. This includes any account related info, passwords or address. You never know and you can’t be too careful. Con artists carefully weave all the little bits of information about you to do their business so you want to be vague. Talk in general terms in the early stages.

After a while, If possible try to meet offline at a neutral place and see where things go from there. This is the whole point of the whole exercise after all.

In many ways, dating online is similar to dating in face to face. The tips are inexhaustible. The most important rule is to have fun!

Can You Love Somebody and Cheat?

Can You Love Somebody and Cheat?

Without going into too much semantics, the answer to this question is simply yes. It is truer for men more than women and that’s why a woman is more likely to take back a man who has been unfaithful than it is for a man to take back an unfaithful woman. Another related question is why do people cheat? Men generally cheat for different reasons from women. You could be the perfect woman and a man could still cheat on you. It is the hard truth. A woman on the other hand is more likely to stick with only one partner. When she does cheat, it’s most times the fault of the man. In most cases, it’s a matter of him not satisfying her emotional and/or physical needs. But we’re not trying to examine the reasons for cheating in this article. The question is can you cheat on someone you love?

Sex for men can be completely physical with little or no emotional investment. Thus, it can have as much meaning to him as sneaking out to smoke a cigarette after he’s promised to stop smoking. The biological construct of the male species dictate that they “spread their seed” and fertilize as many females as they can find. A man who is weak at curbing his natural appetites might go astray even though his heart belongs to a single woman. Some women I have talked to say they don’t even mind the cheating as much as the constant lying that comes with it. A man can cheat and still love his partner but not a serial cheater. If he’s cheating constantly and lying about it, he doesn’t respect you and simply doesn’t love you. It’s pointless trying to mend things in that situation. It’s best you go your separate ways.

A woman that cheats however is a different thing. If a woman cheats on you, she’s more likely to not be in love with you anymore or she hasn’t been from the beginning. But if it’s a situation where she actually does love you, it might be one of a few things. It might be a call for attention. It might be to get back at you for something you’ve done, most likely cheating on her too. Or it might be because she cheated with someone she still has feelings for from a previous relationship. Women that cheat often signifies something seriously wrong with a relationship so you don’t want to sweep that under the carpet as some one-off mistake. There’s often more to it than meets the eye.

Cheating is a serious and hurtful thing. I by no means thing it’s something to be taken with levity. I merely am trying to distinguish between situations where there’s something to salvage and those that are dead and buried.

3 Great Conversation Topics

3 Great Conversation Topics

From personal experience, conversation is the bread and butter of a relationship. I was best friends with the woman I married for more than six years before I had a “Clueless” moment and realized I loved her. We got married and asides from having sex and all that, we are pretty much best buds still. What was/is the secret? We talked/talk virtually every day since the day I met her (OK, not exactly since the very day but a few months later) till this very moment in time (OK, asides from twice when we argued and didn’t speak to each other for weeks. But what do we talk about all the time? If my math is correct, we’ve been talking to each other at least for some 2000 days now. So what on earth do we talk about? Because conversation topics especially great ones are extremely subjective, I’ll attempt to offer the most generic ones.

FUNNY ANECDOTES: Talk about personal experiences that you find hilarious. Even if they’re not that funny, a date is usually highly tuned to find the slightest thing you say funny anyway so why not exploit that. Embarrassing experiences are always a winner but if you’re too embarrassed, say it’s about someone else and if your date becomes your partner, you could always say “you remember that funny story I told you about Rachel? Yeah, Rachel was actually me” and you could have a fresh laugh about the whole thing all over again.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCES: One of the things that form bonds early in a relationship is when you feel like you have been let in; that you’re one out of a select few who knows something personal about someone. Obviously, you want to be careful with how much you share early on, but sharing is a sign of trust and a leap of faith. It has a reward too in the sense that your date is more likely to share personal experiences with you too after such a demonstration of trust from you.

SEX: Yes, I said sex. Depending on how comfortable you are with your sexuality and how comfortable you are with your date, this topic never gets old. As your relationship is just starting, you don’t want to come out with sexual bazookas and tanks. That would probably run your love interest off. You would want to be subtle and coy. The aim here is to “spar” and try to understand how your date likes things. Even when you become an item and most likely are already constantly tumbling in the hay, I find that talking about sex is almost as satisfying as sex itself and it lasts much longer!

These are just a few of the things you can talk about on a date. You can learn a whole lot about who you’re dating too saving you the investment on a private detective!